Every day at work, I am just a little bit uncomfortable.
I am constantly conscious of myself, and mindful of my actions. In very many ways, while at work, the “me” that my coworkers engage is not really “me.”
For one weekend every month, I have the opportunity to attend National Guard drill with candidates in pursuit of the same lofty goal; Special Forces-qualification.
During these drills, and basically, only during these drills, the personal awkwardness described above is absent.
For that one weekend a month, the “me” that appears is, in fact, really “me.”
And that’s why I am doing this.
That’s why I wake up at 4:00 a.m. every morning and strap a heavy ruck to my back, and run until my legs seemingly can carry me no further; and then turn around and run back.
This is why, after work, I run wind sprints, and do countless sets of pushups.
This is why I maintain a highly disciplined dietary regiment.
Sure, I have aspirations of some future glory. But, the essence of my motivation is to one day be in that place where I can be “me.” And I have discovered that the only place where this is truly possible is in the company of soldiers – and not any soldiers, but those making the same sacrifice to be among the best.
The challenges of this goal attract like-minded candidates. And, it is among these individuals that I feel most at home.
“Camaraderie” is not a clichéd term to me. Those that describe it as such have never truly experienced it.
Jokes shared amongst those completing a daunting ruck march are funnier. The anecdote, boring when told aside the water cooler, is intriguing when told by a fellow candidate after a grueling team event.
Despite the physical toll of the endeavor I am embarking, this journey is the only one in which I am truly comfortable.
I buy in to it all. The Special Forces mission, the challenge, the adventure; all appeal immensely to me.
But my motivation is really driven by a desire for future acceptance in an elite brotherhood.
My current co-workers at my day job are great people, associates, and perhaps even friends, but we are more different than we are alike; sufficiently so that every day, for me, is an uncomfortable challenge despite the confident facade I portray.
One day I will surround myself with those with whom I truly relate.
With continued hard work, and some good fortune, I hope to have the opportunity to forge that reality in austere conditions while supporting the goals of the United States on an unbreakable 12-man team.
